I don't understand. I'm a good worker. I'm a hard worker. I'm a quick learner. I LOVE to work. I'm loyal, compassionate, empathetic, kind, understanding, and a damn good employee.
Why can't I find and score a payroll job that pays well? I just wanna be able to buy a cute little house and live a nice little life. I don't want much. I have never asked for much in my life.
Sean Pryor and Mitchell (my husband) have given me more in life than I could have EVER asked for or even thought I deserved. Sean currently is the co-signer on my apartment, my vehicle, and pays me every week. For that I am forever grateful and in his eternal debt (in my mind). I'm sure if I asked he would be willing to help me get a house but I just can't make myself ask. I just can't. That's not in my nature to be like "hey, can you help me get a house even though you do so much for me already??". I feel bad even thinking about it or typing this out currently. Makes me feel greedy. Ungrateful. Idk, maybe I'm being moody.
Maybe I just need more sleep. Maybe I need cuddles. Idk. What I do know is that I want a job and a career. I want to be able to provide for my family. I want to feel like I'm standing on my own two feet and making something of myself. I have a Master's degree for God's sakes. WHICH I DID WHILE RAISING A TODDLER AND BEING PREGNANT/RAISING A NEWBORN. Does that not show commitment and hard work and the ability to thrive and succeed under pressure? How can I not score a good job with a company that appreciates me? Ughhhhhhhhhh. I hate feeling like this.
Thursday, March 26, 2020
Sunday, March 1, 2020
Can't Sleep
It's 3:15 am and I can't sleep. I've been up since a little after 1:30 am. It's nothing bad. I just can't stay asleep.
I tried listening to calming music but that didn't work. I got up and had an ice cream cone, played some Candy Crush, and watched Nick@Nite. Currently watching Full House.
Not really sure what's on my mind or what else I'm gonna type but it felt important to get up and write something down. Idk if I'm still hungry or if I need to ask my doctor about some sleeping medicine. The "nighttime sleep aid" I bought (basically Benadryl) didn't work. It seems like nothing outside of pharmaceutical medicine keeps me asleep at night. The only bright side is I'm up in the middle of the night where I can have some actual alone time. No one is awake to need me. No kids, no husband, no lawyers, no attorneys, no teachers, nothing. Even my email notifications stop blowing up. It's nice to be awake and not have a million things requiring my attention.
The only problem is Idk what to do. Scrolling Facebook is pointless, tv is repetitive (even though I do love Full House re-runs), and I don't wanna wake the girls by cleaning. Maybe this can teach me how to actually relax. Just sit down and chill. My heart rate is only 89 bpm. That's better than most of the time. I miss the time when my resting was 74 bpm. Now it stays around 110 during the day without my medicine and around 90 with my medicine. Stupid stress keeping my heartbeat up. I know it won't last forever but it's annoying, ya know?
I'm glad to have a blog again. It's nice to have somewhere to put down my thoughts: little ones, big ones, random ones, meaningless ones. Just...all of them. And I really like the click of my nails on the mechanical keyboard lol
Maybe I'll look over the Linux assignment that Sean gave me and see what I can accomplish. Maybe that'll help keep me busy until my body/brain is ready to go back to sleep.
I really love working with technology. Kids have always always always been my life but it's nice to have a specialty outside of kids. It's great being able to use my brain for a living instead of my body chasing around wild little ones all day. And honestly, I don't miss changing diapers. 20 years was enough. Working with technology allows me to use and strengthen my brainpower. It feels productive, accomplished, and overall really good.
I'd love to make a career out of technology and be able to integrate kids into it somehow. Or Psychology. I really love Psychology too. There are so many factors that must be accounted for, it's almost a puzzle when helping someone. You gotta start with the pieces that are troubling them, identify the source, then figure out the best solution to help them overcome.
More often than not....people simply need to be heard, feel validated, and gain some guidance. I love providing that for people because I know what it feels like to feel lost and confused.
Idk what else to say. I guess I'll hop off here. Hopefully, this is goodnight!
I tried listening to calming music but that didn't work. I got up and had an ice cream cone, played some Candy Crush, and watched Nick@Nite. Currently watching Full House.
Not really sure what's on my mind or what else I'm gonna type but it felt important to get up and write something down. Idk if I'm still hungry or if I need to ask my doctor about some sleeping medicine. The "nighttime sleep aid" I bought (basically Benadryl) didn't work. It seems like nothing outside of pharmaceutical medicine keeps me asleep at night. The only bright side is I'm up in the middle of the night where I can have some actual alone time. No one is awake to need me. No kids, no husband, no lawyers, no attorneys, no teachers, nothing. Even my email notifications stop blowing up. It's nice to be awake and not have a million things requiring my attention.
The only problem is Idk what to do. Scrolling Facebook is pointless, tv is repetitive (even though I do love Full House re-runs), and I don't wanna wake the girls by cleaning. Maybe this can teach me how to actually relax. Just sit down and chill. My heart rate is only 89 bpm. That's better than most of the time. I miss the time when my resting was 74 bpm. Now it stays around 110 during the day without my medicine and around 90 with my medicine. Stupid stress keeping my heartbeat up. I know it won't last forever but it's annoying, ya know?
I'm glad to have a blog again. It's nice to have somewhere to put down my thoughts: little ones, big ones, random ones, meaningless ones. Just...all of them. And I really like the click of my nails on the mechanical keyboard lol
Maybe I'll look over the Linux assignment that Sean gave me and see what I can accomplish. Maybe that'll help keep me busy until my body/brain is ready to go back to sleep.
I really love working with technology. Kids have always always always been my life but it's nice to have a specialty outside of kids. It's great being able to use my brain for a living instead of my body chasing around wild little ones all day. And honestly, I don't miss changing diapers. 20 years was enough. Working with technology allows me to use and strengthen my brainpower. It feels productive, accomplished, and overall really good.
I'd love to make a career out of technology and be able to integrate kids into it somehow. Or Psychology. I really love Psychology too. There are so many factors that must be accounted for, it's almost a puzzle when helping someone. You gotta start with the pieces that are troubling them, identify the source, then figure out the best solution to help them overcome.
More often than not....people simply need to be heard, feel validated, and gain some guidance. I love providing that for people because I know what it feels like to feel lost and confused.
Idk what else to say. I guess I'll hop off here. Hopefully, this is goodnight!
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