The Present Makes Stories for the Future

I'm hard on myself a lot. I tell myself that I'm not good enough. I tell myself I should be doing more when I'm doing everything under the sun and then some. I have little quirks that seem weird. And often I wonder how it will sound to my girls when they are older. I often play the scenario in my head where my husband is telling the girls about stories from our present. Stories from their toddler years.

And it hit me just now that the stories still come out pretty good. For instance, one of my quirks is that I check my heart rate regularly. I understand to the outside world that may seem weird but people who know me know that I have horrible anxiety to the point that my heart can jump up to 125 bpm if left unchecked (Thank you FitBit for the heart rate function!). Since I've gotten meds for anxiety and excessive heart rate I've seen a vast improvement but I still check my heart rate on a regular basis. It helps me gauge how high my anxiety is or how much it's impacting my biology.

I sat down just now wondering how that might come out as a story to my kids. It played out a little like this in my head:
"Dad, what was mom like when we were younger? I always remember her checking her watch."
"Well, she had a lot of anxiety and she checked her watch to check how fast her heart was beating. She would clean the house and take care of you kids and make sure we were all taken care of and still find time to do other important stuff like learn the stuff that she does for work now. She knew when her heart was beating faster than 100 bpm that it was time to slow down and relax so that she could be a good mom to you. And when it was 60 to 90 bpm she knew that she was okay and could keep moving. Your mom did a lot."

And....well....that just makes me feel really good. I know, without a doubt, that my husband will speak highly of me. He always has and always does. He loves me more than anything in this world. He regularly tells me I'm the best wife and mother he could have ever dreamed to have in his lifetime.

My anxiety gets to my head sometimes and can make me think the worse. But it's nice to know that even my brain knows my husband will speak highly of me and about me to our kids. He acknowledges all that I do for us and appreciates it (in his own way lol).

I don't really know where I was going with this anymore. I just wanted to get it out "on paper" while it was fresh in my mind.