You Can't Fight Genetics

You simply can't fight genetics. You are who you are and you must learn to live with the genes you were given. Identity aside. 
I'm referring to all of us who grow up hearing "You look just like your mom/dad!!!". Those of us who cringe at hearing that phrase. We have our reasons for cringing; good or bad; right or wrong. 

For me, it was always bad because I didn't want to act like my mother. I didn't want to engage in the behaviors she did and make the same type of choices and mistakes that she did. 

As a teen, I made some similar choices because generational cycles are a bitch and kids learn what they live. As an adult, I've done much better. I'm in a better place at 29 years old than my mother was at 29 years old. Pretty much in all aspects. I have a Master's degree, I have a healthy marriage, I have two smart and beautiful kids who are MINE; in my custody. I've only got one divorce under my belt. 

But I think I share something very big in common with my mother beside my looks. A piece of our heart belonging to someone else. I struggle to even type this out because it feels wrong. But the reality is reality and I can't fight what is. My mother belongs with her first husband Freddie. She married him THREE TIMES. At 58 years old she still can't be alone with him for fear of temptation. She loves him more than any other man on this Earth. I truly believe when my step-dad's time comes (he is currently 70 years old)...she will fall back in the arms of Freddie. 

Jose is my Freddie. He has held a piece of my heart since 7th grade. Middle school. With that beautiful crooked smile. I smile just thinking back on the first time he really smiled at me. Melted my heart instantly. I think about him often. I think about our history together. All the times it was just me and him and the world felt like it disappeared. Sometimes, every now and then when I'm alone and feeling lonely, I wonder if I'm meant to be with him in the same way Mom belongs with Freddie. 

I LOVE Mitchell. More than my own life. More than words can describe. The love I have for him is deep and real. I have a good life with him. He makes me smile and feel safe and feel loved. 

The "what if?"'s don't stop though. What if I HAD married Jose? What would our life be like? Would things be different in a drastic way? Would I enjoy being a stay at home mom or would I still be career-bound? Would I get more help with domestic duties than I do now? Would I be more or less happy with my life? Would I be more or less successful? 

I feel bad writing this out. I don't even plan to send this post to anyone. It's not really meant for anyone but me to get it out of my system and my brain. 

I love Mitchell. I love Jose. The love I have for each of them feels different in very deep and passionate ways. I wish I had the words to describe it. 

Maybe the Greeks have words for it...........