You simply can't fight genetics. You are who you are and you must learn to live with the genes you were given. Identity aside.
I'm referring to all of us who grow up hearing "You look just like your mom/dad!!!". Those of us who cringe at hearing that phrase. We have our reasons for cringing; good or bad; right or wrong.
For me, it was always bad because I didn't want to act like my mother. I didn't want to engage in the behaviors she did and make the same type of choices and mistakes that she did.
As a teen, I made some similar choices because generational cycles are a bitch and kids learn what they live. As an adult, I've done much better. I'm in a better place at 29 years old than my mother was at 29 years old. Pretty much in all aspects. I have a Master's degree, I have a healthy marriage, I have two smart and beautiful kids who are MINE; in my custody. I've only got one divorce under my belt.
But I think I share something very big in common with my mother beside my looks. A piece of our heart belonging to someone else. I struggle to even type this out because it feels wrong. But the reality is reality and I can't fight what is. My mother belongs with her first husband Freddie. She married him THREE TIMES. At 58 years old she still can't be alone with him for fear of temptation. She loves him more than any other man on this Earth. I truly believe when my step-dad's time comes (he is currently 70 years old)...she will fall back in the arms of Freddie.
Jose is my Freddie. He has held a piece of my heart since 7th grade. Middle school. With that beautiful crooked smile. I smile just thinking back on the first time he really smiled at me. Melted my heart instantly. I think about him often. I think about our history together. All the times it was just me and him and the world felt like it disappeared. Sometimes, every now and then when I'm alone and feeling lonely, I wonder if I'm meant to be with him in the same way Mom belongs with Freddie.
I LOVE Mitchell. More than my own life. More than words can describe. The love I have for him is deep and real. I have a good life with him. He makes me smile and feel safe and feel loved.
The "what if?"'s don't stop though. What if I HAD married Jose? What would our life be like? Would things be different in a drastic way? Would I enjoy being a stay at home mom or would I still be career-bound? Would I get more help with domestic duties than I do now? Would I be more or less happy with my life? Would I be more or less successful?
I feel bad writing this out. I don't even plan to send this post to anyone. It's not really meant for anyone but me to get it out of my system and my brain.
I love Mitchell. I love Jose. The love I have for each of them feels different in very deep and passionate ways. I wish I had the words to describe it.
Maybe the Greeks have words for it...........
Sunday, April 5, 2020
Saturday, April 4, 2020
The Present Makes Stories for the Future
I'm hard on myself a lot. I tell myself that I'm not good enough. I tell myself I should be doing more when I'm doing everything under the sun and then some. I have little quirks that seem weird. And often I wonder how it will sound to my girls when they are older. I often play the scenario in my head where my husband is telling the girls about stories from our present. Stories from their toddler years.
And it hit me just now that the stories still come out pretty good. For instance, one of my quirks is that I check my heart rate regularly. I understand to the outside world that may seem weird but people who know me know that I have horrible anxiety to the point that my heart can jump up to 125 bpm if left unchecked (Thank you FitBit for the heart rate function!). Since I've gotten meds for anxiety and excessive heart rate I've seen a vast improvement but I still check my heart rate on a regular basis. It helps me gauge how high my anxiety is or how much it's impacting my biology.
I sat down just now wondering how that might come out as a story to my kids. It played out a little like this in my head:
"Dad, what was mom like when we were younger? I always remember her checking her watch."
"Well, she had a lot of anxiety and she checked her watch to check how fast her heart was beating. She would clean the house and take care of you kids and make sure we were all taken care of and still find time to do other important stuff like learn the stuff that she does for work now. She knew when her heart was beating faster than 100 bpm that it was time to slow down and relax so that she could be a good mom to you. And when it was 60 to 90 bpm she knew that she was okay and could keep moving. Your mom did a lot."
And....well....that just makes me feel really good. I know, without a doubt, that my husband will speak highly of me. He always has and always does. He loves me more than anything in this world. He regularly tells me I'm the best wife and mother he could have ever dreamed to have in his lifetime.
My anxiety gets to my head sometimes and can make me think the worse. But it's nice to know that even my brain knows my husband will speak highly of me and about me to our kids. He acknowledges all that I do for us and appreciates it (in his own way lol).
I don't really know where I was going with this anymore. I just wanted to get it out "on paper" while it was fresh in my mind.
And it hit me just now that the stories still come out pretty good. For instance, one of my quirks is that I check my heart rate regularly. I understand to the outside world that may seem weird but people who know me know that I have horrible anxiety to the point that my heart can jump up to 125 bpm if left unchecked (Thank you FitBit for the heart rate function!). Since I've gotten meds for anxiety and excessive heart rate I've seen a vast improvement but I still check my heart rate on a regular basis. It helps me gauge how high my anxiety is or how much it's impacting my biology.
I sat down just now wondering how that might come out as a story to my kids. It played out a little like this in my head:
"Dad, what was mom like when we were younger? I always remember her checking her watch."
"Well, she had a lot of anxiety and she checked her watch to check how fast her heart was beating. She would clean the house and take care of you kids and make sure we were all taken care of and still find time to do other important stuff like learn the stuff that she does for work now. She knew when her heart was beating faster than 100 bpm that it was time to slow down and relax so that she could be a good mom to you. And when it was 60 to 90 bpm she knew that she was okay and could keep moving. Your mom did a lot."
And....well....that just makes me feel really good. I know, without a doubt, that my husband will speak highly of me. He always has and always does. He loves me more than anything in this world. He regularly tells me I'm the best wife and mother he could have ever dreamed to have in his lifetime.
My anxiety gets to my head sometimes and can make me think the worse. But it's nice to know that even my brain knows my husband will speak highly of me and about me to our kids. He acknowledges all that I do for us and appreciates it (in his own way lol).
I don't really know where I was going with this anymore. I just wanted to get it out "on paper" while it was fresh in my mind.
My Journey from Childcare to Technology
I was talking with my best friend Sean about my choice to make a career change from child care work to technology. I made a joke that by the time I'm fully settled in a technology job, I could make a real "Beginners How To" book on Python and Linux because I have (currently) 3 binders full of notes; either printed or handwritten, plus notecards. He responded that it would make a good article for others to read who are considering a similar move and suggested that I keep a small journal/documentation of some sort about my journey through a career change between two vastly different careers.
So, this is my story. There will be multiple posts and parts as my journey continues. I just wanted to get down some basic/introductory thoughts while it was fresh in my mind.
First and foremost - make sure to play around and find what aspect of technology you really enjoy doing. First I started with basic Linux then I dove into Python. While I really enjoy coding, I enjoy SysAdmin work with Linux more. Therefore, that's where my focus will remain.
Second - and this may sound kinda "Duuuuuhhhhhhh Siara" - make sure to get the foundational knowledge first. That means both the concepts and the practical application of the aspects that compose your chosen interest. It's kinda like building a house - you start with the foundation then you connect the pieces to the foundation one at a time until you have a whole house. But that house WILL fall if the foundation isn't solid to begin with.
I dove into Python head first and had a hard time until I went back and started with the true basics. It was about halfway through the basics of Python that I realized how much more I enjoyed SysAdmin work with Linux more than coding with Python.
Third - Take your learning seriously. Take notes. Have multiple reliable resources. Find people who can and will help you learn. Try to find a mentor who is already in the field to help you practice and understand things when you get confused. These additional resources help SO MUCH. Getting stuck happens. Don't let yourself stay stuck because you don't have everything you need.
Fourth - Learning is a process. Making mistakes is learning. Don't beat yourself up when you fail, make a mistake, get stuck, get brain dead, etc. It happens when you're learning a new skillset. When you start to feel down or defeated then remind yourself why you're doing this and making such a change. Maybe you were unhappy in your previous career. Maybe you needed something more intellectually stimulating. Maybe you wanna do something that feels like more of a contribution to society. Whatever your reason, let that be your motivation. Stay Motivated, keep pushing.
Fifth - Get and stay organized in all of your learning materials. Have a bookmark folder on your bookmarks bar in your web browser that contains all of your digital resources. Have a folder or binder to keep all of your notes together. Have a pencil holder for pens, pencils, highlighters, paper clips, whatever you need to stay organized.
Sixth - Prioritize your time so that you have a little time every day to learn and practice. "Practice makes perfect". It doesn't have to be the whole day if you don't have the time. We all have a life and many of us have kids and pets and other responsibilities. But do your best to ensure you have at least 30 mins a day to review your notes, maybe take a few new notes, or practice what you've already learned. Retention of new material happens best when you review what you know after you learn something new. It's kinda like being back in elementary/grade school and learning math. You need to know how to count to know how to add. You need to know how to add to multiple. You need to know how to multiply to do more complex math later in life like algebra. One step at a time. Baby steps.
You CAN do this. It's not impossible. It takes time and effort and motivation but it can be done. You got this.
P.S. If you ever need to vent or ask questions, please feel free to reach out to me. I understand the frustration of learning a new skill set after spending 15 years in a different career. Good luck, best wishes, and remember....You got this!
So, this is my story. There will be multiple posts and parts as my journey continues. I just wanted to get down some basic/introductory thoughts while it was fresh in my mind.
First and foremost - make sure to play around and find what aspect of technology you really enjoy doing. First I started with basic Linux then I dove into Python. While I really enjoy coding, I enjoy SysAdmin work with Linux more. Therefore, that's where my focus will remain.
Second - and this may sound kinda "Duuuuuhhhhhhh Siara" - make sure to get the foundational knowledge first. That means both the concepts and the practical application of the aspects that compose your chosen interest. It's kinda like building a house - you start with the foundation then you connect the pieces to the foundation one at a time until you have a whole house. But that house WILL fall if the foundation isn't solid to begin with.
I dove into Python head first and had a hard time until I went back and started with the true basics. It was about halfway through the basics of Python that I realized how much more I enjoyed SysAdmin work with Linux more than coding with Python.
Third - Take your learning seriously. Take notes. Have multiple reliable resources. Find people who can and will help you learn. Try to find a mentor who is already in the field to help you practice and understand things when you get confused. These additional resources help SO MUCH. Getting stuck happens. Don't let yourself stay stuck because you don't have everything you need.
Fourth - Learning is a process. Making mistakes is learning. Don't beat yourself up when you fail, make a mistake, get stuck, get brain dead, etc. It happens when you're learning a new skillset. When you start to feel down or defeated then remind yourself why you're doing this and making such a change. Maybe you were unhappy in your previous career. Maybe you needed something more intellectually stimulating. Maybe you wanna do something that feels like more of a contribution to society. Whatever your reason, let that be your motivation. Stay Motivated, keep pushing.
Fifth - Get and stay organized in all of your learning materials. Have a bookmark folder on your bookmarks bar in your web browser that contains all of your digital resources. Have a folder or binder to keep all of your notes together. Have a pencil holder for pens, pencils, highlighters, paper clips, whatever you need to stay organized.
Sixth - Prioritize your time so that you have a little time every day to learn and practice. "Practice makes perfect". It doesn't have to be the whole day if you don't have the time. We all have a life and many of us have kids and pets and other responsibilities. But do your best to ensure you have at least 30 mins a day to review your notes, maybe take a few new notes, or practice what you've already learned. Retention of new material happens best when you review what you know after you learn something new. It's kinda like being back in elementary/grade school and learning math. You need to know how to count to know how to add. You need to know how to add to multiple. You need to know how to multiply to do more complex math later in life like algebra. One step at a time. Baby steps.
You CAN do this. It's not impossible. It takes time and effort and motivation but it can be done. You got this.
P.S. If you ever need to vent or ask questions, please feel free to reach out to me. I understand the frustration of learning a new skill set after spending 15 years in a different career. Good luck, best wishes, and remember....You got this!
Thursday, March 26, 2020
Just Need to Vent Thoughts
I don't understand. I'm a good worker. I'm a hard worker. I'm a quick learner. I LOVE to work. I'm loyal, compassionate, empathetic, kind, understanding, and a damn good employee.
Why can't I find and score a payroll job that pays well? I just wanna be able to buy a cute little house and live a nice little life. I don't want much. I have never asked for much in my life.
Sean Pryor and Mitchell (my husband) have given me more in life than I could have EVER asked for or even thought I deserved. Sean currently is the co-signer on my apartment, my vehicle, and pays me every week. For that I am forever grateful and in his eternal debt (in my mind). I'm sure if I asked he would be willing to help me get a house but I just can't make myself ask. I just can't. That's not in my nature to be like "hey, can you help me get a house even though you do so much for me already??". I feel bad even thinking about it or typing this out currently. Makes me feel greedy. Ungrateful. Idk, maybe I'm being moody.
Maybe I just need more sleep. Maybe I need cuddles. Idk. What I do know is that I want a job and a career. I want to be able to provide for my family. I want to feel like I'm standing on my own two feet and making something of myself. I have a Master's degree for God's sakes. WHICH I DID WHILE RAISING A TODDLER AND BEING PREGNANT/RAISING A NEWBORN. Does that not show commitment and hard work and the ability to thrive and succeed under pressure? How can I not score a good job with a company that appreciates me? Ughhhhhhhhhh. I hate feeling like this.
Why can't I find and score a payroll job that pays well? I just wanna be able to buy a cute little house and live a nice little life. I don't want much. I have never asked for much in my life.
Sean Pryor and Mitchell (my husband) have given me more in life than I could have EVER asked for or even thought I deserved. Sean currently is the co-signer on my apartment, my vehicle, and pays me every week. For that I am forever grateful and in his eternal debt (in my mind). I'm sure if I asked he would be willing to help me get a house but I just can't make myself ask. I just can't. That's not in my nature to be like "hey, can you help me get a house even though you do so much for me already??". I feel bad even thinking about it or typing this out currently. Makes me feel greedy. Ungrateful. Idk, maybe I'm being moody.
Maybe I just need more sleep. Maybe I need cuddles. Idk. What I do know is that I want a job and a career. I want to be able to provide for my family. I want to feel like I'm standing on my own two feet and making something of myself. I have a Master's degree for God's sakes. WHICH I DID WHILE RAISING A TODDLER AND BEING PREGNANT/RAISING A NEWBORN. Does that not show commitment and hard work and the ability to thrive and succeed under pressure? How can I not score a good job with a company that appreciates me? Ughhhhhhhhhh. I hate feeling like this.
Sunday, March 1, 2020
Can't Sleep
It's 3:15 am and I can't sleep. I've been up since a little after 1:30 am. It's nothing bad. I just can't stay asleep.
I tried listening to calming music but that didn't work. I got up and had an ice cream cone, played some Candy Crush, and watched Nick@Nite. Currently watching Full House.
Not really sure what's on my mind or what else I'm gonna type but it felt important to get up and write something down. Idk if I'm still hungry or if I need to ask my doctor about some sleeping medicine. The "nighttime sleep aid" I bought (basically Benadryl) didn't work. It seems like nothing outside of pharmaceutical medicine keeps me asleep at night. The only bright side is I'm up in the middle of the night where I can have some actual alone time. No one is awake to need me. No kids, no husband, no lawyers, no attorneys, no teachers, nothing. Even my email notifications stop blowing up. It's nice to be awake and not have a million things requiring my attention.
The only problem is Idk what to do. Scrolling Facebook is pointless, tv is repetitive (even though I do love Full House re-runs), and I don't wanna wake the girls by cleaning. Maybe this can teach me how to actually relax. Just sit down and chill. My heart rate is only 89 bpm. That's better than most of the time. I miss the time when my resting was 74 bpm. Now it stays around 110 during the day without my medicine and around 90 with my medicine. Stupid stress keeping my heartbeat up. I know it won't last forever but it's annoying, ya know?
I'm glad to have a blog again. It's nice to have somewhere to put down my thoughts: little ones, big ones, random ones, meaningless ones. Just...all of them. And I really like the click of my nails on the mechanical keyboard lol
Maybe I'll look over the Linux assignment that Sean gave me and see what I can accomplish. Maybe that'll help keep me busy until my body/brain is ready to go back to sleep.
I really love working with technology. Kids have always always always been my life but it's nice to have a specialty outside of kids. It's great being able to use my brain for a living instead of my body chasing around wild little ones all day. And honestly, I don't miss changing diapers. 20 years was enough. Working with technology allows me to use and strengthen my brainpower. It feels productive, accomplished, and overall really good.
I'd love to make a career out of technology and be able to integrate kids into it somehow. Or Psychology. I really love Psychology too. There are so many factors that must be accounted for, it's almost a puzzle when helping someone. You gotta start with the pieces that are troubling them, identify the source, then figure out the best solution to help them overcome.
More often than not....people simply need to be heard, feel validated, and gain some guidance. I love providing that for people because I know what it feels like to feel lost and confused.
Idk what else to say. I guess I'll hop off here. Hopefully, this is goodnight!
I tried listening to calming music but that didn't work. I got up and had an ice cream cone, played some Candy Crush, and watched Nick@Nite. Currently watching Full House.
Not really sure what's on my mind or what else I'm gonna type but it felt important to get up and write something down. Idk if I'm still hungry or if I need to ask my doctor about some sleeping medicine. The "nighttime sleep aid" I bought (basically Benadryl) didn't work. It seems like nothing outside of pharmaceutical medicine keeps me asleep at night. The only bright side is I'm up in the middle of the night where I can have some actual alone time. No one is awake to need me. No kids, no husband, no lawyers, no attorneys, no teachers, nothing. Even my email notifications stop blowing up. It's nice to be awake and not have a million things requiring my attention.
The only problem is Idk what to do. Scrolling Facebook is pointless, tv is repetitive (even though I do love Full House re-runs), and I don't wanna wake the girls by cleaning. Maybe this can teach me how to actually relax. Just sit down and chill. My heart rate is only 89 bpm. That's better than most of the time. I miss the time when my resting was 74 bpm. Now it stays around 110 during the day without my medicine and around 90 with my medicine. Stupid stress keeping my heartbeat up. I know it won't last forever but it's annoying, ya know?
I'm glad to have a blog again. It's nice to have somewhere to put down my thoughts: little ones, big ones, random ones, meaningless ones. Just...all of them. And I really like the click of my nails on the mechanical keyboard lol
Maybe I'll look over the Linux assignment that Sean gave me and see what I can accomplish. Maybe that'll help keep me busy until my body/brain is ready to go back to sleep.
I really love working with technology. Kids have always always always been my life but it's nice to have a specialty outside of kids. It's great being able to use my brain for a living instead of my body chasing around wild little ones all day. And honestly, I don't miss changing diapers. 20 years was enough. Working with technology allows me to use and strengthen my brainpower. It feels productive, accomplished, and overall really good.
I'd love to make a career out of technology and be able to integrate kids into it somehow. Or Psychology. I really love Psychology too. There are so many factors that must be accounted for, it's almost a puzzle when helping someone. You gotta start with the pieces that are troubling them, identify the source, then figure out the best solution to help them overcome.
More often than not....people simply need to be heard, feel validated, and gain some guidance. I love providing that for people because I know what it feels like to feel lost and confused.
Idk what else to say. I guess I'll hop off here. Hopefully, this is goodnight!
Saturday, February 29, 2020
The Beginning
Although I've spent the last 8 years working on myself and my mental health, it's really only been the last year or so that I've made real and significant progress. Maybe it's because I'm closer to 30 now and my brain has done all it's developing. Maybe it's because my life has much much less chaos than it did when I was growing up. Maybe it was the things I learned in my Master's degree. I don't really know. But I'm grateful for the progress. I feel like a different person now than 3 years ago. I'm DEFINITELY a different person now than I was 6, 8, 10 years ago.
Having two kids almost back to back was rough on my body, my brain, and my mental health. It took a good min to get it back in line. I'm glad I pushed through to get where I am today. My kids are smart and happy and healthy. I have a wonderful marriage. I have 3 degrees to help me with the career I've always dreamed of having (and about 60k in student loans). I'm smarter, I'm wiser, I'm stronger. I'm a better friend, a better wife and mother.
I've worked so hard to get where I am today that I just have to say that I'm proud of myself. I didn't do it alone though. I got help from my husband, my best friend Sean, 2 therapists, and medicine. I've never been a big fan of pharmaceutical meds but I know they have and serve a purpose.
I recently hit a point where I had to change my meds. I'm glad I was able to realize quickly that it was time. I was suffering and there was little I could do to fix it outside of changing my meds. And it changed my whole mental status and outlook on life.
I'm so grateful for all the friends that have stuck by my side all these years. They are truly amazing and wonderful people. They've helped me grow to understand that abandonment is not a permanent part of my life. It was a big part of my childhood and early adulthood but it's not forever. There ARE people who love me enough to stick by my side through thick and thin....and for them I am eternally grateful.
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